Carrot: Hello Mr. Kibble, thank you for joining me today.
> Kibble: You're welcome. I must say though, I had to wait 6 weeks for
> this interview.
> Carrot:? Were you refrigerated?
> Kibble: No, I don't have to be. Why do you ask?
> Carrot: I read in your resume that you are made from natural chicken,
> animal fat, apples, cottage cheese, grains and many other perishable
> ingredients. How could you not spoil?
> Kibble: This is going to be a hostile interview, isn't it?
> Carrot: Would you please answer my question? All my friends would
> begin decay and rot in a few hours? How do you stay so...un-moldy?
> Kibble: The people who make me wear white coats. I'm sure they know
> what they are doing. Besides, the research department worked really
> closely with marketing on this issue. Who made you?
> Carrot: God
> Kibble: Never heard of that company. But it's a catchy name - dog
> spelled backwards.
> Carrot: Really, let's figure this out. Meat and fat- yet you never
> spoil. And. you look so...inert.
> Kibble: Well, I am naturally preserved. The purchasing department
> says I don't have to worry because the fat is loaded with preservatives from
> the rendering plant.
> Carrot: But I thought you were all natural!
> Kibble: The legal department looked into this and as long as our
> people with white coats just add a little Vitamin E and Rosemary it's OK to
> call me natural and I never go bad because there's enough preservative in the
> fat that comes from the rendering plant to keep me from going bad.
> Carrot: So even though you're 'natural' you could be loaded with
> preservatives from your suppliers?
> Kibble: That's right.
> Carrot: I still think there's something else - you never go bad at
> room temperature.
> Kibble: Well, there is more. I am so highly heated and processed that
> all the 'life' goes out of me. In a sense- I die and become a new
> molecular substance that is called 'inert'. I am no longer 'food' as you
> know it.
> Carrot: Err...sounds cool. But now that you're dead and inert, who
> would want to eat you?
> Kibble: You mean you've never heard of 'protein digest' spray? After
> I come out of the extruder I'm sprayed with an irresistible protein digest
> and vitamin mix. It's all approved by our in-house vet. We pay him
> $90,000 dollars a year to make sure I'm nutritionally complete.
> Carrot: But underneath that spray you're dead and inert!
> Kibble: That's the coolest part! The finance department figured this
> out. It's called 'fixed price'. I really wish I had thought of this.
> Carrot: You're inert. You can't think. What is fixed price?
> Kibble: Fixed price is a great marketing tool so I cost the exact
> same amount each week in the retail store. It all ties together because I
> can be kept in warehouses for months to take advantage of good pricing.
> Carrot: But your ingredients can't possibly stay the same price from
> week to week. The market fluctuates all the time.
> Kibble: Not a problem! Let's say the price of chicken goes up. The
> people in white coats just reduce the chicken and add fillers that keep the
> cost the same. They have complete control over the gross profit. The share
> holders LOVE this because they can always make their car payments right on
> schedule. The other option is 'fixed formula' but that was voted down
> because we couldn't compete if the price keeps changing. Adjusting the formula
> is easy!
> Carrot: But what about nutrition??
> Kibble: Remember, I'm dead and inert so in a sense it doesn't matter
> what goes into me. After I'm processed, heated and extruded, it's really
> that magic spray that gives me all the nutrition. Besides, dog's have
> livers and immune systems to remove the other stuff.
> Carrot: Wow. is that 'natural'??
> Kibble: Sure. soak me in a glass of water and you'll see I break down
> into a pasty brown substance. It's an earth tone - very natural.
> Carrot: I'm looking real closely. All I see is a brown pasty
> substance. Where are the meat, fat, apples, cottage cheese and grains?
> Kibble: You don't know anything, do you? That's where the graphics
> department comes in. Didn't you see the full color photo of the
> chickens, apples and other fresh ingredients nicely printed on the bag? They
> show me on the cover, not as I actually am, but as people would expect me to
> be...That packaging costs a small fortune. Legal says it's OK.
> Carrot: That's comforting. If your lawyer says its OK then I feel
> much better. What about wholesome ingredients and freshness?
> Kibble:? Those are just 'concepts' that people have come up with -
> I'm convinced that if your packaging and marketing materials are really
> good then we can overcome anything. That's why we pay those marketing
> people what we do!
> Carrot: Listen, I'm beginning to feel a little funny around the edges
> so I have to go back in the fridge. Thanks for stopping by!
> Kibble: My pleasure?